The Mystery of Loneliness

Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.

― Carl Gustav Jung

Loneliness is an experience with which we are all familiar. When we are lonely, though, we often feel like this experience is uniquely ours, that we are the only one who has ever felt this way.  And the result? More loneliness. 

Carl Jung helps me ponder this mystery that is human. We can be lonely, on the one hand, because we have not found a way to communicate what is inside of us to others around us. It’s not so much that no one is around us as it is that when they are, we have not found a way to help them inside of who we are. This is a universal experience for human beings, and the human journey includes just such experiences where we struggle and find ways to bring who we are to others in ways that they begin to see us. This becomes significantly more difficult, even life threatening, when that communication of our hearts to others is blockaded by social biases and bigotry. When people devalue us because of our ethnicity, skin-tone, national origin, sexual orientation or some other aspect of our personalities, the difficulty of communicating who we are to others in ways that they will understand us can become a herculean, even impossible, task. So, this first kind of loneliness is not just our personal struggle to figure out. It can be on all of our shoulders to remedy. What biases keep us from really seeing others?

On the other hand, Jung identifies a kind of loneliness that results from holding certain views which others find inadmissible. It can feel like such a relief to be around those who share our ideas, and like such oppression to be surrounded by those who do not–especially if they view our ideas with hostility. These days, the problem is exacerbated by the notion that all ideas must be equal, and if I hear you espousing yours, I get to shout mine louder because “both sides” are equal. When we disagree over two different ways to make life better for us all, those differing ideas actually may draw us into one another and relieve the sense of loneliness.  When one of the sets of ideas would actually make life worse for anyone, and fails to acknowledge that, they are not equal, and the ensuing loneliness becomes part of the human struggle toward a better way. 

Jung also said: Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of others. This dark season of the year may just be calling us into that kind of work on ourselves so that we respond better to others. 

~Bob Patrick