Courage?

Courage is a tricky one to find. Sometimes, I just cannot find it. Today may be one of those days. 

I am recovering from very severe health problems. The treatments changed my life in every way. One important way it changed me is mentally. I call them my mental monsters. Anxiety is one of them.

I’m the only one that drives in my house. It takes a physical and mental toll on me. Driving has become hard for me. 

Today I was getting ready to take my nephew to work. Then I heard a sound that I fear the most when I’m going to drive. That sound is thunder. My anxiety starts to take over.

Where is my courage to get in that car and go? I can’t let my anxiety win. It’s just thunder and a bit of rain. How can that scare me to the point of being terrified? But, it does. It gives me the heebie-jeebies.

I go outside and sit on my swing hearing the thunder and watching it rain. My heart beats faster and my anxiety escalates. Courage will win. I can do it! 

My nephew took Uber to work. I couldn’t do it. My anxiety won. My courage was defeated. I feel like a disappointment to my family. They don’t drive. They don’t understand the stress of driving in bad weather. They don’t understand how anxiety can affect your mental state when driving. I can tell you that it’s not good. 

Today, I could not find my courage to drive . But, I had the courage to speak up and tell them that I can’t drive in this weather. Courage is a tricky one to find.

Courage can be lost in one way. But, it can be found in another. Don’t ever lose hope. Yes, courage is a tricky one to find. 

~Rita Romero