Sometimes receiving the generous gift of another takes work, thought, and your own generosity of understanding. You don’t always want to accept the gift. But acceptance is its own gift of generosity.
In 7th grade my oldest daughter was learning about faiths of the world and their historical impact and potential. In a small group conversation in her class she disclosed that her own faith was Unitarian Universalism. Most of her classmates had never even heard of this faith. She tried to explain using her “elevator speech.” And she shared that she was personally not a Christian.
This was somewhat shocking to folks in her group. None of them said anything at that time. They were polite and moved on with the discussion.
Later however, one friend sat with my daughter and asked questions.
What about salvation? What about the teachings of the Bible? How do you know how to worship and live? What about when you die? Heaven?
My daughter tried to work her way through the questions and move away from the topic. By the time she got home her thoughts about the conversation had her feeling irritated. Why was HER faith being questioned? Why wasn’t she given the chance to question the friend’s faith?
And the final insult in her mind was when the friend said, “I’ll pray for you.”
My child was so annoyed by this. In her faith system having someone pray for you was useless. She didn’t want it. What was the use of it?
As a parent you have to stop and think. I could identify with her sense of insult. I have faced such questions myself. But I had to work through my sympathetic feelings of frustration and help my child look at the situation differently.
As I thought, I realized that her friend had been very generous. She wanted to know more and had privately asked questions.She had listened. And in the end she had given the greatest gift she had. She offered prayer. A direct communication in her belief system, to help someone she cared about. This was actually an act of great generosity.
But how to help my child accept the gift.
We talked about this over several days- after the initial irritation had passed. This friend cared. If she hadn’t, she would not have given this gift. Now it was time to see the gift for what it was. Whether she believed it was useful or not didn’t matter. What mattered was the intent of the giver. That young woman had given with no desire to get anything back. She had given with only the thought of helping another.
Once my child could see the act for what it truly was, she was able to accept the gift graciously (mostly.) They remained good and kind friends for many years.
This set of circumstances impacted my child for life. And it impacted me as well. I learned that giving includes generosity on both sides of the act. Both giver and receiver must trust, must display an open hand, must put their fear of rejection and misunderstanding aside. You just have to see the generosity, not the wrappings.
~Anna Elliott
Things similar to this have happened to our kids and you have helped me see all of this in a new healing and healthy perspective. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Anna,
What a generous way to look at it when someone says they are going to pray for you! I have many friends that have said that to me before, but I just usually ignore what they have said, and try to change the subject. From now on, I am going to say “thank you for your concern”. You have helped me look at their comments in a totally new light.
This dialogue your 7th grader had was very rich and a real eye opener. It was the type of conversation that is not the ordinary everyday banter one would expect from Middle schoolers. You and your daughter seem to have a direct and open relationship where you can both take experiences from life and between the 2 of you , seek a balance. Lot’s a generosity going around there, from mother to daughter, between friends. Its a perfect opening for communication, the kind that unifies rather than the kind that creates polarity. Well done Mom!