Every family has their secrets. The not so big one on my mom’s side was that she had a child out of wedlock and gave him up for adoption. I found this out when I was about 7 or 8 when my Aunt begged my mother to try to find him. I didn’t know why till I was older: it was to inform him of the other family secret, Huntington’s Disease that ran in our family.
My father’s family still harbors many family secrets, some taken to the grave. One of those secrets is the long line of abuse and abandonment. This secret is evident in our genealogy line (strange what you can see in genealogy). My great grandfather abandoned my grandfather and great grandmother when my grandfather was just a baby.
Looking back on my genealogy I see that my third great grandfather also left my second great grandfather when he was young to go to war. He died at war abandoning his children to their grandfather. My grandfather was in the military, often leaving my grandmother, uncle and father alone for many months and years. I suppose abandonment is a harsh word considering the service they gave their country, but how do you explain that to a baby with no father?
I often question if these secrets made their way out, what damage would it have really caused? My mother was sent away to have her child at the age of 16 and gave the baby up for adoption. Had my family struggled through raising this child and the humiliation that having a baby out of wedlock the 1960’s brought would things be different? Would I be here?
Had my third great grandfather not fought in the Civil War, would that have changed the dynamic of my fathers family? Would there be less abuse and mental issues? These mysteries often rattle my brain giving me daydreams of how my family might have been.
These are just wishes on past events and nothing I can do to change them. As much as my brain and heart want to unravel the mysteries, the only thing I can do is learn from them, ensuring that my future isn’t inflicted with family secrets.
~Candice C Carver
I have found myself the gate keeper of a family secret that will be retold in years to come. The story will either cast a derogatory light on our family or a neutral one, depending on the keeper/teller/and audience that hears the secret. We know Genealogy is more than history. It marks a family’s name and reputation. My family’s secret is a homicide. My mother was murdered by her grandson in 2014,( 10 year anniversary coming up on 1/21/24). To hand this “secret” down to the next generation I stopped myself from translating it in my own words and went to the newspaper article that covered the event. I copied the story and put the text and photos in my daughters’ “portfolios of life” where I add snippets of important milestones and memories for future consideration. I think this helps place the family’s history in a more neutral context because it releases the forever blame and stain on our family genetics and genealogy. The older I get, and the deeper my relationship with my own grandson , the more I can empathize with my mother in her quest to “save” her progeny, even though it went terribly wrong. Over the past 10 years my story has matured. The story I would have told future generations, 10 years ago, is not the same story I would tell now. I think history should become more objective as a family matures, allowing future generations to start over, start fresh and find pride in the family name.
Candice, your honesty in sharing your family’s history is commendable. Your realization that you cannot change the past, but to learn from it is is something I need to remember also about some of my family’s history of racism and abuse of women. Thank you for reminding me of the best way forward.