For the past twenty-odd years, ever since I was old enough to truly ponder it, the mystery of the meaning of life has taken up a fair amount of space in my mind. My emotions surrounding this big unknown (that I have tried so incredibly hard to find an answer to) have changed over the years from angst and torment to wonder and awe.
When I was a teenager, being unable to find this answer led me to believe firmly that there must be no meaning, no purpose of life. It made me feel trapped on a rollercoaster ride I wanted off of, and I was angry that the pain of life seemed to exist for no reason at all.
The first time I decided that it was okay not to know the answer to this question for all life but just for my own life, I chose a purpose for myself. I decided that my own personal purpose was to help people by becoming a pediatric oncological surgeon and to be a mother. It didn’t take long for me to realize in college that science is not my forte and that at least career-wise, I’d need to pick a new purpose for myself. And over the last decade, it has become harder to imagine that motherhood is in the cards for me, as financial and other obstacles have emerged.
Most recently, I’ve landed on the realization that maybe it’s okay not to know the answer to the True Meaning of Life. Or that maybe I was right in the first place, that it doesn’t exist. But I no longer feel negatively about this; I now find beauty in the mystery. This mystery allows for curiosity, creativity and a huge amount of variability in what each of us lives for.
-Jenn Yi
As I age I am more comfortable NOT knowing …… as scary as it is…. You are right in that it allows for a whole lot more wonder and mystery to enter into your life…. Annnd ( after attempts with my own children and falling short of AlL my ideals) I am thinking that not knowing allows for more joy and flexibility …..
Thanks for sharing this….. and filling my soul today..
You certainly came around from a rough beginning with the big question of purpose. It is largely abstract for us to see, hear, and make meaning of our reasons for being. I think it is a malleable thing that is organic and has a self perpetuating thread of curiosity. Now that I am a golden girl ( 65+ 1) I am more at home with who I am and I see that the journey through is the key to new awareness, new directions, acceptance of the boundaries and the mess I make trying to discover what comes next. You have reached a good point of clarity, Jenn, seeing the beauty in your very own potential!.