I have read or listened to several books by Margaret Atwood about futuristics societies where the decisions for many are made by a very few. Opinions are not allowed and those who are brave enough to have a thought and express it are dealt with quickly and often, permanently. True self is kept very much hidden. And it is done all under the guise of ‘restoring order to society’.
It is frightening to imagine a world where so much of what a person is has to be hidden or restrained like that.
Even so, I often wonder how much of me people really see.
Deep inside – I’m terrified. Terrified that the me people see will be found lacking and inadequate. So I hide inside of myself.
I hear myself whisper things like, “Are you sure you want folks to see that? Hear that?” “If people know you are like that where will you fit in, really?”
This hidden me is full of self doubt and fear.
What if she behaves inappropriately?
What if she stammers and can’t explain herself?
What if she’s flat and can’t actually sing?
What if she’s mean and hurtful herself?
The big whatifs have the most power….
What if her past mistakes cannot be forgiven? What if she does not fit in the circle of love?
But wait, because we know – WE KNOW – that No One is outside the circle of love. No One is Outside the circle of love.
I will allow myself to come out of hiding.
I am going to forgive myself.
I am going to encourage myself.
I am going love myself.
I am going to support myself.
I am going to champion myself.
And then I am going to do the same for you.
I think it’s worth a try.
Such a truthful expression of the self doubt that I sometimes feel, too!
There is a term that describes how each one of us determines how effective we are in finding our place in the communality/society. It’s called locus of control. That disposition, or attitude, gives us the identity and security we need to find our place within the circle without second guessing ourselves. Its a mix of self esteem and our relationship to others. I am not an armchair psychologist but I do see that our locus of control is at the helm of our decisions and desires. It is frees us up to find and enter a circle of love, a neighborhood, a department/office at our workplace, our personal family etc…It is through these associations and our personal conviction that we stay inside the circle. We welcome both ourselves and others into the circle.